When I first found out I was pregnant, I began to Google the stew out of the subject. I posed incomplete sentences to Google such as:
“how to rid bloat in early pregnancy” (if I ever get an answer to this I’ll be sure to post!)
“crying at everything early pregnancy”
“cramps early pregnancy normal” (it is)
“memory loss early pregnancy”
“is sushi really unsafe pregnancy” (I can’t find anything telling me to ignore this advice) 😦
I found a few articles written which were good. Much of what I found was in forum posts which are semi-helpful. The most helpful have been blogs written by women like me.This is one of the reasons I decided to begin my own blog; the most helpful information I’ve found was from blogs written by women who are going through it and take the time to tell how they are truly feeling and dealing. I especially enjoy blogs like www.carrotsncake.com, www.fitpregnancyblog.com and www.fittobepregnant.com.
In any case, I have learned that my hormones are the culprit for all the crying and ups and downs I have sometimes. What should be a non-emotional event turns into a sob-fest. When I am not affected by these abominable afflictions, I could swear that someone must have given me crazy pills. The latest was this weekend, when what should have been a 2 minute conversation turned into me squalling and crying for a good part of an hour. These hormones are for REAL, folks!
To put things in to perspective, I’ll mention first that I’ve been crying at everything. When a cute puppy picture appears on my facebook feed, my tear glands react to the cuteness of it. If I think about something nice someone has done, just thinking about it, I get a little tear of joy. If I think about something even slightly sad, I start to cry. Forget movies. It wouldn’t matter if I was watching a slasher movie: it would still be a tear jerker. Happy or sad, I’ll shed a tear. I am highly sensitive at the moment.
So this last weekend, here’s what started it all: In addition to a few other things, I mentioned to my husband how much it upset me that he stayed out til 4am the very first weekend after I found out I was pregnant, instead of coming home to be with me when I had to leave the party early. I had expressed to him before we ever found out I was pregnant that it seemed like a very unfun event for the Mother-to-be: all these changes happening that she can’t control, all the precautions she has to take, and it all happening to her and only her. My husband assured me he would be with me the whole way.
Fast forward to 7 days after I found out I was carrying a little human, and I was the designated driver while everyone else partied. I was actually completely fine with that, although I probably wasn’t ready for the, “oh good we have a designated driver now!” comments. I’m still trying to deal with the fact that my freedoms have been restricted, folks! I hung as long as I could but I was SO TIRED (my 1st trimester gift) and eventually had to call it a night. I asked my husband to walk me to the car. On the way, I started crying out of absolutely nowhere.
I started crying and sobbing the way you do when you’re 7 and fall off your bike. I felt so out of body, and trying to grasp some reason for all this I told my husband that it was just all a lot to get used to and I guess I was feeling very alone and just really really sad all of a sudden because it hit me that I was no longer able to do what I wanted to do (I wanted to stay out and have fun with our friends, but my body was insisting that I go lie down). I kept telling him that I’m just super hormonal and I’ll be fine. I was pretty freaked out by my emotional reaction and couldn’t understand what was going on with me. When I told Ron I was going to leave, he asked me if it was ok if he stayed out. I said that was ok, because I have never been the wife that says, “no, you have to come in with me and you can not stay out with our friends.” I’ve never been that girl, and it’s normally not an issue if he wants to stay out while I got home. I guess I just wanted him to not ask, but tell me he wouldn’t stay out late and he’d come be with me. But that kind of mind reading by men only happens in movies.
Instead he and my friends stayed out til around 4am and had a great time while my new crazy hormones and I cried ourselves to sleep. Sad, right?? It all seems surreal at the moment, that everything was so teenage-angst at the time.
There have been many times, non-pregnant, where I went in before my husband and it wasn’t an issue. However, I have to remember that I’ve never been newly pregnant before, never had these kinds of crazy hormones controlling my feelings, and apparently just simply wasn’t prepared for the drastic change to my life.
Pre-pregnancy, if someone pregnant would have told me that they reacted this way to going home and being alone, I would have thought they were being a little bit ridiculous and selfish. I mean, your husband shouldn’t have to give up freedoms just because you have to. However, now that I am here, and knowing how lonely it feels in general, combined with the craziness going on in your head chemicals, I realize that this whole child bearing thing is really quite a big deal for the child bearer. Not to mention, I realize now that no one should assume they will feel a certain way during an experience they’ve never been through. You just don’t know until you’re there.
In any case, I brought all that up to my husband and he made a great point about how I had told him that I was fine and I never asked him to come home with me. Again, it goes against my grain to do so, but I realized that I am going to have to tell him what I need instead of hoping he’ll figure it out. That would have been a pretty simple conversation had I not been crying again.
So that was Saturday that we had that conversation, and then that very night we had a party to go to at a friends house. Everyone was drinking and having a great time and it was actually really nice not to be drinking and *luckily* I did not feel exhausted like I normally do and had a great time! I made it the whole night and didn’t have to go home by myself.
In summation, I genuinely was hurt by my husband not wanting to be with me when I thought he knew how much this was all affecting me. Not so hurt that it was necessary for me to cry myself to sleep, or get upset again when bringing it up, or pretty much any of the dramatics, but it was definitely worth discussing. I also learned that if I’m going to be feeling this way, which apparently I am, I am going to have to speak up when I really need something from him. Which leads me to another revelation I’ve had during my short time being pregnant so far: this is one of the things I really don’t want to do on my own. Like most other 30-something, career-minded women, I tend to think I don’t need a lot of help, if any at all, nor do I really want any help. This pregnancy thing has really forced me to understand why it’s so important to have support while you’re going through all this and hopefully a partner that is willing to figure it all out with you. The sane, non-hormonal part of me knows that men aren’t mind readers and they basically take whatever you say at face value. Seeing as though I’ve never needed hand-holding by my husband, this piece will take some getting used to for both of us. I’ll have to work on expressing my needs while he will have to work on being more attentive during this time. Despite these bumps in the road, my hormonally charged self is really excited and teary-eyed about the future 🙂